Wednesday, Jul 31st, 2019

Baaaaaaaaah! I might be a little less positive for this post. A lot of things are going on and I need to get t off my chest even slightly.

Okay. So. I’m working pretty hard, but not hard enough, lots of personal things happening at home that are catching up with me. As time passes, I get increasingly anxious over my father’s wellbeing and health since he’s getting older and doesn’t eat well. This causes me a great deal of personal stress because it feels like time is constantly running out. Recently, our 15-year-old family dog has gotten a uterus infection and her time to leave this plane is coming very soon. I went to go visit them yesterday, and she was very sick and could barely wag her tail. It is heartbreaking beyond belief to see such a vibrant and lively dog reduced to this sad, pained being. She looked at me so much with sad, pleading eyes, begging to make her feel better. It tears me up so deeply. My father also isn’t a very emotional person, so he’s acting strange to suppress his sadness about the situation. I don’t want to get too much into it, because it’s very saddening and I don’t know what to say. I just want to be there for my little dog and let her know she was and is deeply, truly loved.

The human life is getting very hard because of all the vet bills, my dad doesn’t have enough to live comfortably and I saw him eat food he thought was disgusting because he couldn’t afford anything better. This is causing me an intense amount of distress and anxiety because I cannot afford to help him either. I hate that I am a grown adult and cannot take care of the parent that cared for me for so long, regardless of how I was treated. All of this is happening and I can’t lessen the blow for anyone and it’s ripping me apart inside. All I want to do lately is work, but I am constantly fighting physical anxiety while I do so, and things are very slow. I don’t know how to turn the empathy off and just do what needs to be done. I’m working too much with a broken mind and very, very little gain and not spending precious time with the temporary lives on this planet makes me feel terrible.

I really, really need to catch up. I am so tired, and pissed at myself, and keep trying not to compare myself to who I was, trying not to let “trauma” affect me, trying so very hard to find that spark in life again. It’s very hard. I feel useless a lot of the time and honestly wish there was an off button for this life thing. I need to lay dormant for a little while longer, but time waits for no one, and I have to keep moving forward. I wish I could be a better friend so I didn’t have to be alone all the time and I could go make the effort to see people. I need to save up for a car and driving school… more expenses.

I’m just trying. Constantly. All the time. Paying a karmic debt of some sort, possibly, or lying in wait for a karmic lottery. I know things won’t be like this forever, and my little heart will find a way to be human again… If I truly, honestly want it. I just wish I had someone in my life who cared about me enough to take me on adventures with them, but everyone always wants something/someone else, or people treat me like a queen. I just want to be on the same level as someone and talk to them at face value, but I have to accept that is not how others see me. It will take a very special type of person who gets it, understands the whole human thing. Until then, I’ll just… keep doing me, I guess. Not much else to do. I’ll dream.

I know this negative writing may seem like a constant, but please keep in mind I don’t have many people to talk to about the things that lay deep in my heart. All I have are these blog posts because I don’t feel like I’m forcing anyone to read them, and maybe I’ll be heard, and the plus side is I got some tears out and some thoughts off my chest. The only downside is the lack of one-on-one interaction, but at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get emotionally.

I know what to do. It’s just doing it with this weight that makes things hard, but I’ll be stronger for it if I can. I need to cry more and stop avoiding these things and feel the emotions in the moment instead of saving them for later. That’s how things pile up.

Anyways. Thanks for reading this if you did. Apologies for contributing more writing to life’s negativity.

MORNING PAGE June 27th, 2019

Wowee. I am really, really bad at keeping up with all this. BUT! I AM DOING MY BEST.

Since the last time I wrote, I started my writing the foundations for the story I want to create. I have a lot of buried & bottled inspiration I am coaxing to come back to the surface of my mind. I find it’s more difficult to be confident in your imagination as you get older, but the trick is to just do it and get started. Every day, I find a little more inspiration, though I am kicking myself in the ass for not being more adamant with recording my ideas in the past. That’s changed, hower. My Google Notes is full of random inspiration, as well as having many documents with tons of prompts and musings. It’s coming along well. I just have to keep trying my best. I want this. Badly.

This summer has been pretty cloudy and blah. Today is nice and sunny but I have to work, so it’s annoying. I want to play outside, but I cannot due to ADULTING. Awful. I am 27 and I am still not over this sh*t. Anyone reading this, please be better than me. LOL (edit: “I AM PAST THE POINT OF COMPLAINING!!!!” …complains. LMAO)

I gotta get back to work but maybe I’ll pick up blog writing again. It helps with just getting stuff off my chest and shouting into a void. I am excited, I am happy… I just want the best life for myself, finally, after thinking I didn’t deserve it for many years. It’s relieving to settle back into my soul and do what I feel is right in my heart, rather than acting out for asspats and “validation”. No offense, but it ain’t for me. I tried it, wanted to see what the hype was about. Turns out, the people who complain about others aren’t worth listening to because they don’t know what they’re doing with their lives either, they just complain instead of doing anything about it. I’m past the point of complaining. I just want to go back to being myself, which is existing to make others happy.

Young me, I am so, so sorry I let the harrassment get to you to a point where you would rather be numb and high then fight for your will to be happy. That was my fault, and no one else. No one has the right to make myself unhappy, except for myself. And I let myself become discontent, ungrateful, and aggressive. I’m not disgusted with myself, I am patient. I know that I am human, that emotions are normal, and being angry at perceived slights is natural. I will not allow myself to continue to participate in harmful and offending behaviours towards others. If I want to get in a fight that badly, I will do so with myself.

The coldness of my heart is finally dissipating into a calming heat. I am so, so, so close to being in love again, not with anyone in particular, but with life, myself, and God. I am so close to freedom of the soul, and all it took was surrender. I surrender to what life is, I submit to the universe. I will live a good life in return for having one at all.

It could be so much worse.

Yet here you are.

Trying. Thriving. Surviving. Striving.

Morning Page – MAR 25, 2019

Oh man, it’s finally happening! My soul is coming back! It’s been years since I’ve seen her! I’m so excited guys, I can see  and I’m learning to walk again. I’ve been crawling for what seems like a gosh darn eternity and finally, the weight’s gone, I feel lighter, and I’m on my own two feet again! I’m a wee stumbly little fawn but I’m getting there.

I have so so so much work to do but through a lot of frustration and tears I’ve found the eye of the storm where everything is calm as the world spins in turmoil around me. This is tranquility — but I’m not just gonna sit here and pick my behind, I have work to do, and FINALLY I’m enjoying it again. I just needed to freshen up, get rid of everything that was making me sad, eat healthy and exercise and what’d ya know, suddenly I can breathe and my energy is coming back to me. I’M SON GOKU!

Anyways I’m gonna start writing these more often… also they’re gonna be Patron-only soon, as incentive for me to write them… eyes emoji. Don’t worry, it’ll just be a dollar to hear me blather throughout the month.

Morning Page – February 16th

Ahhh god I was doing so good when I was writing these, then I just stopped and I don’t know why. I don’t like burdening my friends with my troubles so I tend to hide away when things hit a low point; so these are super healthy for me to kinda discuss with myself what’s been going on and how I feel and how I can keep trying to get better.

I am going to be my best, I’m going to stop numbing myself, I’m gonna start feeling all the tortuous things I’ve run away from for the past few years. I should have dealt with this a year ago but my brain was broken and I wasn’t thinking clearly–sometimes numbing is better than chasing your next high.

Where am I now? I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you. I feel like I’m on my way home, back to the deep forest of my heart, to the place where people can’t find me. I don’t want to be found, to be understood. I thought I did, but this is my poison. No one is going to understand me and I must learn to accept that.